Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Talk Dirty to Me

When I log on to a porn search engine, I love to enter the word “verbal” and then click the search button.  If I am watching a guy in Alabama jacking off, I want him to talk to the camera and tell me to “suck it, ya fuckin’ whore”.  Guys who are good at dirty talk are gold.  But there have been times during sex that fear has clamped my jaw closed wire-tight.  Am I good at dirty talk?  Do I have the voice for it?  Does it seem authentic coming from me, or studied?

Not long ago, shortly before starting this blog, I posted a video of myself jerking off on Xtube.  (It’s a piss-drenched, cum-play jack off, with good old Rob Zombie playing in the background.  One commentator called it a masterpiece, thank you very much). On the video, I talk dirty.  But I was very self-conscious about it.  Thankfully, one commentator said that hearing me talk was hot.  I’m not so sure.  I have had well-meaning friends tell me that I have a lisp, while other friends have said that that was incorrect.  A lisp cuts to the heart of a gay man, since it makes him question the authenticity of his masculinity.  But what makes a man a man?

I have a dear, straight-laced friend named Kenny, and when we are talking about sex and he uses words like “cock” or “dick”, he says them in a funny voice, as if to put imaginary quotations about the words.  He seems uncomfortable verbalizing dirty words.  The polar opposite scenario played itself out in the movie “Sophie’s Choice”.  In the movie, the character Stingo meets a hot girl with a real filthy mouth.  She has no trouble verbalizing – fuck me, fuck you, fuck fuck fuck.  But when Stingo attempts to do what she verbalizes so well, she balks.  Nearly in a panic, she explains that her therapist has helped her with her fear of sex by teaching her to verbalize.  She can now say “fuck”, but she can’t actually do it.

As a society, we become completely tongue-tied when it comes to sex.  Sex is something we all do, but we are loathe to admit that we want – hell, need – it.  My colleague Jennifer was recently dumped by her girlfriend of a year.  She told me that friends and family had comforted her for losing a companion, but because she knows I write a sex blog, admitted that she could share only with me that she was deeply upset about losing their sex life (apparently so intense, they would weep afterwards.  I should be so lucky).  She felt that her friends and family would find such an admission as trite.  Jennifer felt the sex was so good, that it made the relationship worth fighting for in spite of their differences.  Whether that’s true or not is beside the point.  The point is that if we can’t verbalize how important sex is to us, how can we even begin to say a word like “cock” with conviction?

The path to successful dirty talk is the same as the path to Carnegie Hall – practice practice practice.  You don’t need me to tell you that the best way to try something new with a partner is to try it alone during masturbation first.  Nothing is hotter that saying the words “nut sac” while grabbing your own.

I recently decided to take this practicing of mine a step further by attending a workshop last week entitled “Talking Dirty: From Mild to Wild...and Beyond”.  Picture it: me and four straight women in a room at an upscale meeting spot downtown, a spot so upscale that we were advised to wear business casual.  Our host was the amazing Katrina McKay, the founder of Ohhh Canada (check out Katrina's website here).  At first, I felt horribly out of place, the lone gay man amongst four very beautiful women.  Part of the workshop would entail actually talking dirty and my throat began to clench tight.

But as the evening unfolded, I developed a rapport with Katrina and those beautiful women.  Having a gay man in the mix actually seemed to add a twist to the evening that wouldn’t have been there had I not come.  I shared my feelings that while it’s pretty acceptable these days in Canada to be gay, god forbid you should be gay and sexual.  It’s fine if you want to get married, buy a house in the suburbs and adopt a foreign baby.  Some gay men may see me as a throwback to the 70’s where sex was a central feature to being gay.  In these politically correct times, I’m an outlier.  But one of the women said she could relate.  She was a mom now, and she said that people tended to de-sexualize her, which she resented.  It was as if having a baby had rendered her sexless to some.  I told the group how I love to be called a whore during sex.  I wondered if they, as women, resented that term, but to my great surprise, they quickly shooed that concern away as they too loved the word in a role-play scenario.

These women began to dispel my notions about women not being as animalistic as men.  One type of sex talk could be referred to as “Exclamations”, and one woman offered “I want you to blow your load inside me!” as an example.  Other types of sex talk could include “The Tease” (sending a sexy text hours before the scheduled play time), or “Instructional” sex talk (“I love it when you suck both my balls at the same time”).  We talked about having prepared catch phrases.  Preparing for sex talk is actually the only way you can feel free to improvise when actually in the moment with a partner.  We talked about a whispered command sometimes being more powerful that the full-throated command.  We even learned that nervousness about talking dirty can be endearing (“You are so hot, I can’t even speak!”). 

 It bothers me that we call them “dirty” words, when in fact they are fucking beautiful words.  And yet the sense of the forbidden gives them a power that both tantalizes us and at times paralyzes us.  But the late, great comedian Lenny Bruce taught us that words are just...words.  He laced his act with strings of profanity to reveal that words only hold power when we endow them with it.  So tonight, when I masturbate, I’m going to talk dirty to myself, loud and proud.  I will own the word “cock” and “cum” and “suck”.  I’m proud that I have the mouth of a trucker when I masturbate and have sex.  Where’s the parade for that?


  1. Interesting post, Jason. For me, when I watch porn, I would rather listen to the sounds of passion, like moans, groans, grunts, heavy breathing, etc, than to most spoken words. The verbal aspect is very important to me and these days, I usually don't watch a clip of a cock getting jerked and cumming, if there is no sound. Just not worth it to me.

    Ok, you ask, why sounds but not spoken words? Is it that I have been brought up that sex should be silent and keep in the dark? No, not in this case. The truth is that most of the time, in porn, the spoken words seem fake, put in for no real reason, passionless or put in for shock value or because they are "expected", thus robbing them of any value, all of which prove so distracting to me. I admit that in a few porn scenes, the verbal words are done with passion, are part of the sexual naturalness of the people and really enhance my experience. When you masturbate tonight, you have every right to say "cock" , "cum", etc. and be proud of being able to express it, as lots of people in the world can't for whatever reason. For me, the better reason to be proud is when you use it to enhance you and your partner's sex.

  2. Hey Mark! Thanks for the sharing and the input. I wanted to share something with ya....are you on They have a music section for bating to. It's so awesome because while some of the music is just that, music, they also have tracks of grunting, groaning, dirty talk, penis chants and more. Let me know if you check it out. And finally, thank you for reading me still, it's so appreciated....Jason

  3. Hey, Jason... no, not on but thank you for the tip. Went there, and it looks like when you sign up, you get a free Premier service for 7 days and then cancel it later. Don't like those gimmicks, as it might be hassle to cancel, etc. Plus will be honest with you, happy with partner and porn was used to enhance our times, but there is a medical reason now I watch porn. (Really, no BS, grin..) Will be happy to tell you about it if you wish and who knows, you may even want to write a column on overall subject. You are excellent writer, Jason, I truly mean it.

  4. Hello Mark! Sorry for the delay in adding a response, was away for work and it was hectic! But I would love to hear about your partner, your use of porn and how it plays a role for you now. Especially if it prompts a topic for an essay! Finally, thank you so much for the compliment on my writing....thank you for reading me....and most of all, for your responses, which keep me thinking and on my toes...Jason

  5. This is just too good! I've always loved the way you talk on that video, even though the words are few, they sound damn good...and I didn't hear a lisp at all.

    For me, sex never involved talking...until about twenty years ago. Until then, the normal "recipe" sex [kiss, suck, fuck, that order] was done silently with maybe only a few guttural bleats or some throaty moans. At most, an "oh, man" might escape the lips right at the moment of climax. Perhaps the other person was just waiting for me to say something to get the sex talk started. What I didn't know was that I was waiting for HIM to start the talk.

    ...because I certainly wasn't going to start talking sex during sex. Unlike Mark in the comment above, I was brought up that sex was something nobody talked about. I'm assuming it was done in the dark, but if sex wasn't talked about, how would you know if it was in the dark or not? Additionally, the parts that you used for sex were 'nasty' and didn't have names anyway. It was so bad that around the time I was thirty, my father had surgery to deal with a tumor on his testicle, my mother finally got around to telling me that "my father had found a lump 'down there.' Whispered....just like we southerners apologetically whisper the words 'cancer,' 'pregnant, ' or '(insert ethnic identification word here).' the hell am I going to just be comfortable saying things like "yeah, suck that cock, man," or "let me see your cock...yeah, squeeze it and let me get a good look at that veiny shaft of yours," or "you're about to get one fierce blast of cum in your face, dude." Hell no I wasn't going to start talking like that.

    ...and then some time in the mid nineties, a guy started talking to me like that in bed and twenty years worth of sex vocabulary just started all coming out at once. I only needed a coach. After that, all I had to do was to judge what I said by the reaction of the guy. If I started talking and he didn't respond, I could tell it made him uncomfortable, so I would just refrain from saying much of anything. Other guys only need to get started, and we know that some talkers are better than others.

    And then it came down to making my own videos. The first two: no vocalization. After that, I started to improvise. But you's still not easy because there's nobody there to respond in the majority of my vids. I don't like how I sound, but I keep doing it, hoping it will get better. I have tried different approaches...trying to sound tough, casual, conspiratorial. Turns out that they all sound the same!

    But at least they sound....that's progress.

    1. Rod! So much of my life is "If I knew then what I knew now..." The older I get, the more comfortable I get with being my authentic sexual self and taking risks, like talking during sex. And it seems like you've had that exact journey. I fuckin love your talk on your vids! Is it all those things - tough, casual, conspiratorial. You mention having had a coach. I hear this notion of having a "coach" alot, but how exactly did he coach you? what did he do that gave you "permission" to let loose with your dirty talk? I'm curious...Jason

  6. When I started talking, I guess he realized that I was new at it, but was willing to give it a try. Much of what he said would be things like "I like it when you play with my tits," "man, I could like those legs of yours from top to bottom," or "yeah, run your hands through my hair." Other times, though, he would ask questions, like "do you want to see me grease up my cock and jerk it?" "how do those tits feel when I tease them like this?" and "where are you going to put your next load of piss?" That caused me to have to answer, and answers like "yes," "good," and "there" just didn't do it. After a couple of hook-ups, it just flowed out without any prompting.

    What I'd like to do is hook up with a "bate coach" a couple of times just to see what that's like. If nothing else, I could learn to add some more dialogue to my vids!

    1. Rod, you could BE the bate coach! Great answer to my question, a window into how coaching you think that it took a couple hook ups to also feel comfortable enough with the guy to be free to talk?

  7. It got pretty comfortable as soon as I started talking, but after two hook-ups, it was a whole lot easier. I didn't have to worry about what I was saying, nor think about the way it sounded. It was at that point that the eye contact started to get intense, and the talk turned a lot more whispered. That whispered stuff can be sexy as hell.

  8. "Oh yes," said in a whisper, "whispered words carry their own power..." :)