To straight men: This might be all kind of new to you. So I get it if you want to come in, unzip, get sucked off, and go. Because you know I’m gonna jack it for a few hours with the taste of your cum in my mouth, or let the cum sit there on my face, depending on where you blew your wad. Or maybe you’re down with relaxing for a while, having a whisky with me, jackin’ together on the couch, shooting the shit. NSA, discreet, all good. Why would you hit me up? I’ve heard that some women don’t like giving head. Unbelievable! Us gay guys? Damn near all of us think dick is meant to be worshipped. Enough said. If you find a chick who loves giving you head, you can drop me off your list – you go thank the sex gods that you found a woman who gives it to you good. Worship her.
To my bate buds: You and I are chronic bators (masturbators). Love to get together with another buddy and edge for hours. Kicking back with a bottle of poppers, talking sex and gooning together (gooning: that point in the bate where you are so lost in it you’re all but drooling on yourself). Sure, we might rub each other’s precum on our cocks, sniff each other’s pits. But mostly it’s about the visual of how we each bate. However you like to bate and goon is such a turn on: Do you like to shove things up your ass? Hump the couch in a frenzy? Piss on yourself? Beat it like it owes you money? Chant the word “penis” over and over like a mantra? All good! Go for it man...
To bi and gay guys: OK, you’re gonna want more. I got you covered. I’ll fuck you (safe). Let’s get into some piss play, worship our pits, jack it together, 69 on poppers, throw back some beer, spit on each other, (hell, let’s spit some of the beer on each other),watch some porn – essentially, let’s be pigs and let the good times roll.
Some things you should know about me: I smoke. Don’t do drugs, but don’t mind if you do. I sure do love my Jack Daniel’s. I don’t shave or trim a damn thing. Late thirties. See attached body pic. Will need to swap face pics ultimately to seal the deal. If you’re partnered, I’d rather we didn’t get involved – bad karma. Yet I also recognize that some of you are in situations where leaving your partner is not an option, but the sex in your relationship is long gone. So let’s discuss.
Dear Readers: I need some input on this. Would you respond to this very long Craigslist ad? Why or why not? How sincere am I really about not being with someone partnered? Why would anyone want to be with someone partnered? First, there is the element of the forbidden. Second, it’s (theoretically) emotionally safe – you don’t have to let your heart out of its cage since there is (on paper) no hope for more than NSA fun.
I haven’t posted this ad (novel?) and am not sure I ever will. Why? I’ve gotten to the point where letting a stranger into my home makes me damn nervous. And to think I used to do this a lot! But even in the past, I’d be so nervous about my safety. I’d be nervous that the person who showed up at the door wouldn’t look like the man in the pictures that were sent to me. And yet the thrill of the hunt always won out. The optimist in me would think “Maybe this guy will be a keeper”. There was something affirming, sexually speaking, to know that there were other men as horny as I was and who would enter my home, no questions asked, and get naked within seconds. Silently we were saying to each other “I’m horny, you’re horny, I respect that.”
Before writing this piece, I went on Craigslist to read today’s “Men looking for Men” postings. Evidently, some men don’t share my qualms about hooking up in a stranger’s home. And it bears repeating that I used to do it all the time – nervous, but excited all the same. But how much of it is all talk and no action? When I posted on gay sites saying that I was looking for a hookup, I was always serious and always followed through. But so often I was stood up and I know now that this is a way for men to experiment with their sexuality. They have no intention of meeting, but fantasize about it. They will write brazen things like “Looking to suck you off in your car. Swallow all loads.” They will get off on the emails they receive back. But they will never show up. However, when trolling Craigslist, one always thinks “Maybe this dude is for real.” And so on it goes.
The trouble for me is that the face is the ultimate deciding factor about whether I want to have sex with a guy. Almost nobody posts a face pic on Craigslist and with good reason. Cynically, I’ve been at this long enough to know that the reality most often doesn’t live up to the fantasy. However, I have a buddy who uses Craigslist religiously and regales me with stories of all the hot guys he meets. I listen with skepticism – are they all really that hot? He often doesn’t request a face pic – he just goes with the flow. He has a partner, so all of this happens furtively on the down low. He once had to help a trick out the back door when the partner showed up at home, unexpectedly early, through the front door. Both my buddy and his partner have found evidence on each other’s computers that they are both using Craigslist. They even had a half-hearted confrontation about it. But ultimately, it’s a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for them. I’ve asked him why they don’t talk about it openly and open the relationship, but he balked at such a notion. Somehow, they want to keep the dream alive that they are a monogamous couple. I scratch my head at this. So I’m asking you, Dear Reader, to fill me in: what am I missing in this equation?