Sunday, 5 May 2013

Sex Obsession

I recently had a reader write to me.  Regarding my blog, he called my essays “good, honest accounts of a sex obsessed male.”  I liked the “good, honest accounts” part, but would you believe it Dear Reader if I told you that I was shocked to hear myself referred to as sex obsessed?  How out of touch with reality could I possibly be?

The thing is, I thought that everyone spends as much mental energy thinking about sex as I do.  I had to wake up to the fact that no, not everyone thinks about it as much.  But I would then go on to say:  Perhaps some people think about it as much as I do, and the others almost as much.

To all you wonderful sluts reading this, you likely think about it often.  But let’s not forget how often the religious right think about it.  We know they think about sex constantly because of the amount of energy they expend trying to keep us from having it.

Don’t we all walk down the street and wonder about the sex lives of the people who pass by us?  Is that person, who at first glance appears nearly asexual to you, really a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

I believed in the beginning that even if the religious right would hate my blog, my gay friends would like it.  This has not proven true.  I’ve shared the link to this blog with only my nearest and dearest friends, but a few have never once brought it up.  Maybe they just didn’t get around to reading it?  Or did it bother them?  In what way?  My goal with this blog is to shed light on things I think are needlessly (and sometimes harmfully) kept in the dark.  Is it possible that even some of my gay brothers want to keep it in the dark?  Or, is it that they just aren’t obsessed with the topic in the way that I am and are not, quite frankly, that interested?

In May of 2012, I posted an essay about what I considered the birth of my sexuality (Times Square).  I wrote something to the effect that I felt something was indeed born that night.  What was born?  I think an essential authenticity was born.   A deeper understanding of myself and how I connect to people.  In the years prior to that, I was obsessed with acting, and the theatre was my lover.  That was authentic too.  My goal as an actor had always been to tell the stories of my gay brotherhood.  But that never came to pass.  Instead I took whatever job I could, and so often it was in productions that had nothing to do with my reality.  There was a dissonance in my head:  An actor is supposed to tell other peoples stories, but I wanted to tell my own. 

But perhaps Mary’s essential authenticity was born the day she became a field reporter at the local TV station.  Maybe Ken’s essential authenticity was born the moment he realized he could make people laugh.  And thus, an obsession – no wait, let’s call it a passion – began.

I titled this blog Hunting for Sex.  I can’t help wondering if what I’ve been hunting for all along was simply myself.


  1. Jason,

    I recently found your profile on Bateworld and followed the address you posted to this blog. Based solely on this entry, I think I'm going to have a fascinating and horny time here. It looks like you're thinking with more than just your sex drive here, actually considering what things mean for and to you.

    I think you're right that most of us think of sex pretty frequently, but it's tough to say how often is "normal." It might be more relevant to say that some of us aren't comfortable admitting just how much we think about it, even to ourselves. Are the folks who cry out against it so vigorously using that to cover up just how much they think about it and wish they were having it? Are the friends who don't like your blog or who don't understand the time you spend thinking and writing about sex failing to realize the important role it can play in one's life, or just not as open about it? Could be any of the above.

    I like what you said about having a passion for sex instead of an obsession. A "passion" is something that we feel dedicated to, see as worthy of attention, and that motivates us, but doesn't control us more than we allow it to. Having a passion can be fun, meaningful, and fulfilling. If writing about it (and living it) helps you to get in touch with an important part of your identity and better understand yourself, go for it and enjoy yourself while you're at it!

    1. Hey Matt! Thanks for finding me on BateWorld, I just joined there lol. And I really thank you for reading me, and for your thoughtful comments, from which I learned a thing or two from you! I look forward to hearing from you again....Jason

  2. Well, have just added another hour to my day! I read the new entry on sex obsession. I must have sat there writing my first sentence in response for thirty minutes. I went in too many different directions with that to come up with something that would cohesively fit as a response, so I'll put all of it down here so you can read it, then I'll cut and paste some stuff together for the blog.

    The word 'authenticate' threw me for awhile. Of the three definitions of that, two apply: to find to be genuine; or to make valid. Perhaps the third definition applies, as prove or certify authorship or ownership. Then my mind started wondering. When did I authenticate myself, and in what areas?

    a] as an organist, did I become a genuine organist when I realized that my improvisation were mathematical, or when I could transpose a hymn to another key without having it written out, or when I first got a paycheck for playing, or when my first piece of music was published?

    b] as a teacher, did I become a genuine teacher when classroom control became second nature, when I taught other teachers in a college setting for the first time, when my first book was published, or was I validated when I became the state teacher of the year?

    c] as a merchant, did I become authenticated when I got the key to the store after closing, when I made my first sale, when I hired my first employee, or was I a merchant only when I actually convinced an individual to buy something?

    d] as an athlete, did I validate myself as a total failure when I didn't catch the first ball thrown at me, when it took my eight tries on a par two miniature golf course, when I sprained my ankle trying to wrestle in PE in high school, or did I prove to be a genuine athletic loser because I stopped working out just when I started to look good?

    e] as a senior citizen, did I become genuine when I got my AARP card, when I retired, when I started hunting for sex online once again to prove that I could still do it, or will I only become authenticated when I start to draw social security.

    f] as a sexual man...did I authenticate my gayness when I first went out of my way to look at my coach in the dressing room, when I sucked my first dick, when I got fucked the first time, or did I define the genuine me when I discovered pissplay?

    g] as a solosexual, did I find the real definition of myself the first time I found myself wishing that my hook-up of the night would leave so that I could beat off, when I came up with an excuse to cancel a date with somebody because it was going to be a lot more enjoyable to bate, when I stopped having sex with a partner because I enjoyed pleasuring myself better, or did I become a solosexual when I realized there was a name for what I felt?

    And yes, that's all happened to me. And, at each step, authentication occurred. It's a continuum throughout our entire lives. We validate ourselves each step of the way. You have just put it in writing, and caused many others to begin searching for their own validity - even though it was there all the time. You have definitely authenticated yourself - more so than many of us - in sharing the authorship of your life.

    It all boils down to metacognition....thinking about how we think. That's what we're doing here, and it opens doors. The cool part about it is that there will always be another door right beyond the one we just opened. The uncool part of it is that if we spend all of our metacognitive powers thinking about only one part of ourselves, then it becomes obsession.

    1. Rod! Your passionate words were downright healing and reminded me of the mission of my writing in the first place. And I really don't think our discussions are an obsession, but a PASSION !!! So then it's ok! :)

      But you made a very important point: we are authenticating ourselves each day anew. It's a process, as you said of opening doors.....Thank you for putting in all in perspective....and for giving an hour of your day to respond so fully....Jason

  3. Jason and Rod, loved both your writings. Jason, please do not get embarrassed but you are wonderful writer! Rod, loved your post as well. Spot on and real life.

    Jason, sex is hard wired into our brains and everyone thinks about. The degree that it happens is different for every one alive and always will be until we wipe ourselves off the planet or evolve past organic brains depending of hormones and nerve impulses, etc. One person's obsession can be another person's passion. Only the individual can know for themselves, the rest of the world will label as they see fit. How that individual can help tell which it is, is the impact of it on their life. Does the feeling or action negatively affect them in any way? Passions usually enhance life and all life experiences, obsessions have a tendency to limit, constrain, and negatively impact lives. I may think you are obsessed with sex, for example, but if you feel you are just passionate and it enhances your life, does it make any difference what I think? We each have to life with ourselves, after all.
    Thank you for your blog....

    1. Well damn Mark! That just says it! I think you really nailed it here! You gave the answer to my questions :)))) Thanks for the compliment on my writing, but I gotta send it right back to ya! Jason

  4. That tied it all together really succinctly, Mark. That same thought has been rolling around in my head for years; I've just never written it down. It all boils down to this: you might as well go ahead and do whatever it is you're going to do, because the other person is going to think whatever they're going to think anyway.

    Just don't let it screw up other stuff.

    And there you have it...common words for the uncommon man.