The strangest thing happened to me this week – I rather lost my sex drive. The idea of having a cock in my mouth is about as exciting to me as having one in my ear. Now, I still masturbated. It’s what I do. But the frequency was less, the length of time it took was less, the pleasure was less. Last night, in an attempt to get back into my usual sexual gear, I drank a ton of beer, but did not get drunk. I watched a ton of porn, but didn’t get excited. Dear reader, how lame is it that I have to tell you that I took a Viagra – just to masturbate alone. I got off, but with a thud rather than a grand slam.
But desire doesn’t disappear entirely. It’s a matter of transference, and I transferred my desire to something equally as addictive as sex – I turned to food. I have just eaten a Big Mac, fries, and a junior McChicken from McDonald’s. But a diet coke! McDonald’s is my guilty pleasure and it was fucking delicious. I orgasmed with every bite. I brought it home so I could enjoy it like a pig in private (similar to my piggy conduct while masturbating). I avoid McDonald’s at all costs, but tonight, I gave in. It was the substitute for masturbating.
Where did my usually dependable sex drive go? True, there are always worries swirling in my head – money trouble, conflict at the office, and so on – but that usually doesn’t get in the way. Rather, masturbation or sex is the reward for making it through the day. But this week, when I sat at my computer for my nightly, ritualistic jerk-off scene, I was listless. And the porn seemed inordinately boring. A cock goes in and out of a hole – big whoop. Oh look, that dude in Minnesota can suck himself off – how nice for him. Oh look, yet another gang bang. Are there any cookies left?
However, I’ve gotten so much more accomplished this week, what with the extra time on my hands since my hands weren’t on my cock. Even the fact that I am now writing rather than jerking off is a fine example of time well spent. But if this lack of libido goes on for too long, this series of essays will come to an untimely end. Will my libido come back?
Well, it’s gone and come back many times before. There are times for even the horniest of us when we don’t want to be sexual, but to curl up in ugly pajamas in bed with a good book. Or when illness, be it mental or physical, is knocking at the door, the libido takes a holiday. And it can be freeing, not to be ruled by my dick’s every whim. I can think about other things – world peace, getting my taxes prepared, trying a new recipe, searching for an old classmate on Facebook. However, world peace is just too much for my pea-sized brain to comprehend, doing my taxes is as fun as having dental work, I hate cooking, and I could care less what my old classmates are up to. Those alternatives just brought my sex drive back a nudge.
I think it might be a matter of my masturbatory routine getting a little....routine. So I`ll shake it up a bit. Maybe I’ll try dressing up, something I haven’t done in a while. By this, I mean trying on my leather and my sexy underwear and parading myself in front of the mirror, doing a strip tease to Slayer playing on the computer. But even that can turn on its self and feel ridiculous when your libido is low. It becomes comical instead of hot. So instead of forcing it, maybe I’ll just ride it out, put the ugly pajamas on and snuggle up with a good book – and a bowl of ice cream.