Saturday, 22 September 2012


They say that for a drug addict, it's never as good as the first time.  Try being addicted to masturbation - it's always like the first time.

Everyone has a hobby.  I have a buddy, who, after a hard day of work, loves to come home to a bowl of popcorn and hours of taped TV shows.  Another friend takes her dog three times a week to the agility barn to watch Buster jump through hoops.  All very socially acceptable.  When I am asked what my hobbies are, it’s easy to spout out the usual – “I love to read!  I go to museums!  I play scrabble!”  But you, dear, lucky Reader, get to hear the truth.

I can out-masturbate anyone anytime anywhere.  I’ve got it down to an art, and Dear Reader, at present I’m finding that sex with another can’t compare.  My jack-off sessions are so fulfilling, that another person in the room would just be in my way.  And I need minimum three hours or else I won’t bother.  During sex with myself, I have no inhibitions, no qualms about what someone will think of me, I can be a total freak, I can be completely unselfconscious.  I can dance in the mirror for hours with my hands down my pants.  I can look in the mirror, one hand holding a Jack and Coke, the other a cigarette, and call myself a fuckin’ cum-lickin’ whore.  You know that pill bottle full of saved cum in the fridge?  Pour it on yourself.  Drink a glass of piss.  Sniff your pits. Spit on your chest.  Love the fact you’ve got a full bush when gay magazines say to trim it.  Be the cock of the block and do things you’re not sure you could really pull off with someone else watching.  Consume major amounts of porn.  All the while amazed at the gift that sexuality is.  There is a narcissistic element to this kind of self-love, but it makes up for all the times I doubted myself or felt inferior (or...does it stem from that?).  And it’s not a substitute for the “real thing”.  This is real. It always feels like the first time. It’s a date with myself, wherein I shower first, turn on the music, dim the lighting, set up any sex toys I might want to play with.  To me, it’s a valid as any other date I’ve ever been on.  Except I never get stood up this way.

Why can’t I just do this in private and shut up about it?  Why do I have to write about it for god’s sake? Why write this blog at all?  The answer is simple: Anger.  I’m angry that as a religious teenager, I used to masturbate for 10 minutes and then pray for forgiveness for half an hour afterwards.  The fear I had about sexuality in my youth was abominable.  Masturbation is not self-abuse, the needless guilt is.

I’m angry that some people would think a three-hour jack off is time wasted.  Is self-love a waste of time?  I think it beats Scrabble any day.

I’m angry that we all masturbate and can’t talk about it except through jokes.  But why must I share the dirty details?  Because we need to know that we’re not alone in our kinks.  Secrets lead to shame.  This blog is an attempt to shatter the hypocrisy around something that is a gift to be celebrated.  I’m also just plain curious – I like to know what gets other people off.  If it’s safe and sane and between consenting adults, how did it come to be that we can’t talk about it?  Why, after eating the apple in the garden of eden did Adam and Eve clothe themselves for shame?  I was not explicitly taught that masturbation was wrong, but as a teenager, I inferred it.  How did that happen, I wonder, just as I wonder where our fear of spiders, most of which are harmless, comes from?  And look at what repression does:  My adolescent guilt has spawned an adult that writes a sex blog.

But I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that, after I cum, a touch of the old-brain guilt slips in.  And then I wonder if three hours jerking off isn’t excessive.  Am I addicted to jacking?  I’m a responsible person, working and caring for friends and family.  Can’t I have this without guilt?

Writing this blog entry is the last task of a long day for me.  It’s almost time to reward myself with my nightly jack-off ritual.  But a worrisome thought nags at me:  Why do I seem to believe that I can’t be as uninhibited sexually with another person as I am with myself?  What would it take to be that free with a man?  The joy with masturbating alone is that my happiness, fulfillment and self-esteem doesn’t depend on another.

After I post this, I will, in four hours, be a puddle of sweat, piss and cum.  What are YOU doing tonight?  Playing Scrabble?


  1. Hey man, great blog. What is evident is that you are very self reflective. A pea brain you are not.

    I think only recently has this kind of sex obsession become the norm. Free access to porn and a generally sexualized society has made it almost impossible to not have these constant desires.

    Still there are many people who do not saturate themselves in it. And ultimately, you are what you eat.

    I used to deal with the guilt too. And I still deal with the guilt and boredom if I let it get out of hand, do it every day and and let it take up too much of my time. I was reading the other day that frequent sex increases the desire for sex, but those who go without for just a few days experience a drop in desire. So it is literally a self feeding cycle we get caught up in.

    I like to make it a game to wait until my body is literally begging for release. It can take a day or a week. If find that the more I remove myself from the environment, the more self control I experience. The more daily energy I experience as well.

    Just some thought. Ill be reading.

  2. Wow man, thank you for some very reflective thoughts shared back at me - grateful! This is the reason I started the blog - I didn't want it to be simply a monologue, but a dialogue with others who might be interested...

    What I'm thinking is that I'm overdoing it, as you say, saturating myself in it. I think the whole notion of "you are what you eat" needs further examining on my part. Perhaps a future blog post. Thanks for reading and thanks muchly for commenting - and getting me thinking......Jason

  3. Masturbating is my own special reward. While I don't have any lingering guilt about it, I do feel like nature owes me big time. See as a teen I had zero libido for some reason. I was going through the usual puberty phases, just no sex drive. Never masturbated - didn't know how really. I kept waiting for "it" to happen. My friends were all bragging about jerking off. A girlfriend wanted to get it on but I had to decline out of fear of not being able to perform. Upon complaining to the family doctor he promptly recommended a psychiatrist.
    Finally at age 19 it kicked in. Masturbating is my cherished gift I waited all puberty for. I'm now married with kids. My married sex life has ground to a halt for various health reasons for my wife. Now masturbation is still my reward and I'll be damned if nature takes it away. (I suppose I'm "bi curious" because I dig guys too but never fooled around with anyone).
    The longer the jerk session the better. For years I'd jerk off looking in the mirror with ball cap, sneakers and undies pretending I was some stud ball player. Or maybe wear the gas station windbreaker and pretend I was the stud mechanic. Boxers, briefs, t-shirt stretched behind my neck - I did it up with no inkling what other guys did.
    Until xtube. Whoa, all that goofy posing,waving and slapping my dick - TONS of guys do this and upload videos of it to xtube. Man I felt vindicated. I discovered jerking off with other guys on camera (, It was a big welcome to the brotherhood of masturbators.
    So now at age 55 I'm pissed again at nature as I watched my precious libido slowly decline to nothing from about age 42 to 52. I can still get it on but it takes lots of warm up, xtube watching and occasionally half a Viagra (yes I too jacked off on Viagra). I'm trying hormone replacement with a doctor but it it's only barely working.
    As you can tell I get huge pleasure living vicariously through guys with outsize libidos like you Jason living crazy sex lives I'll never get close to having. So keep writing those stories super stud. I'll be stroking my dick pretending to be you for an evening.

    1. Wow, you see? This is why I started this blog, for this kind of unbelievably honest detailing of the male sexual experience. A fascinating rendering of your experience man, thank you thank you. Did you read my posting called "Self Love"? Because you will see man that it's not all roses for me. You referred to me as a super stud, but I also get stuck, often. Xtube is like a vindication isn't it? And nature can be a total bitch sometimes, I hear you. But your letter was a vindication of sorts for me, saying that our sexuality is precious and often fleeting, and is to be valued. However, I have a posting coming up about sex addiction. Am I over doing it with the masturbation? Is my outsize libido a bit too outsized? This is the question I'll explore. I will be honored if you should share your thoughts on this and other things. Thanks for adding to my blog....Jason

  4. Masturbation is my sex of choice and reading your words and musings comes so close to me that I just had to respond. It has taken years to reach the point where I could be as proud to say it loudly, without guilt or shame but that time has come and I have had the deep self realization that let's me feel so free to not only say it but live it. I show it and the pleasure that I get from letting others see me masturbate is felt deep at the pit of my stomach and it frees my soul.
    I must admit that I used to hide the fact that I could close myself away for hours and myself a plaesure that no other man or group of men could. My absorption into self images by way of mirror, video, photos....the time I spent going into ritualistic construction of a shrine to my penis...surrounding myself with close ups of just my penis so that I could dissolve into a heady high over the idea of pleasing myself. Now I write, as I do here, about what I spent years hiding and I feel that it is good and so healthy to share it. The current world of internet sites like Bateworld that lets me know that I am not alone are fule for sharing the solosexual nature of my being. Jason, you have shown me that awareness of ones self sexual nature should be fostered....and that something I have believed for a longtime is true, that if it comes from my is good and should be loved and enjoyed...for that I thank you.
    There is so much to explore still and and exchange with those like you. Thank you for giving me the chance to air this and commnicate with those who breed my sexual power. You feed me so much energy.

    1. Dear Jay-addict, I'm sitting here at the computer speechless at how to respond to your comment. What you wrote is a manifesto of self love and a reclaiming of your sexual self. I am deeply honored that you wrote here. You add a million dollars worth to my blog.
      Writing as I do, you'll see I ask lots of questions. I love how you wrote "the pleasure that I get from letting others see me masturbate is is felt deep at the pit of my stomach and it frees my soul." Amen brother. Can you believe that something so freeing and blissful is either derided or belittled? I'm so curious, almost from a neurological standpoint, at why being watched while we engage in such a private activity can be so exciting? But you know, actor's on a stage show us private emotions. When they do, we connect with them on a visceral level. I totally believe the same happens when we are open sexually with an audience. We connect. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.
      Your letter is so complimentative, people are going to think I wrote it! But when you said I give you energy, man, listen to me, your letter gives me energy tenfold and it makes me think that there is an audience for this, a dialogue that can occur. So I think I'll keep writing and see what happens (grin).....Jason

  5. Jason, thanks for writing such positive words and it seems that we compliment each others views. You do really inspire me and happy to know that I feed some drive in you as well. I will continue to watch all you do on Xtube where my moniker is "meathand". My journey is an ever evolving ride of pleasure. Interesting that you mention stage actors as I have done a good deal of acting in my life and yes, the exposing ones emotions on stage has probably played a role in me showing an even more personal side on the net.
    I'm so thankful for this blog of yours and the chance to engage with someone like you that gets me.

    keep writing and I will follow (oh yeah!!)....Jay

    1. Hey Jay! First off, let me be a hot-blooded man here for a second and just say that your vids on Xtube ROCK! Beautiful dick and a fuckin' great example of cock worship - more! Buddy, I value your comments and welcome you, if you have time, to read other posts and share your thoughts on them if it hits you where you live. Most of all, thanks for sharing and creating a dialogue. It's the whole purpose of this blog.....Jason

  6. Howdy, Jason! Am I playing Scrabble? No, but I'm using a lot of words. Since I'm not in the habit of a nightly three-hour bate, tonight was one of those nights that, in the past, would have included a lot of reading material, copious amounts of sweat tea, many smokes, and a recliner. In the present, the sweat tea and the smokes would be joined by an office chair and a computer.

    In the present, a non-bate night has turned into five or six hours of looking at porn sites to read articles, read discussions, comment on new videos, respond to blog poss, talk to online buddies, and totally immerse myself in mental masturbation. Something during the course of the night will kick in on my next bate night, and it will all be good.

    During all of this, there will be occasional stirrings in my 501s causing me to wonder if maybe I should just break out the black shirt and the Albolene, but I really don't want to. I just want to think about it, explore it, and swim in it. Tonight, though, I won't need a towel.

    Maybe one day next week I'll read last Sunday's paper, devour the January issue of Trains Magazine, and read another chapter in a non-fiction book that I've been working on for a year. But for now, mental masturbation is the next best thing to being there.

  7. And now I need to find a spot where I can talk about what I would be doing if it really WERE a bate night. That would probably have to be split into two parts.

  8. i'm in love with your honesty & openness. growing up baptist, i've struggled with some of the same bullshit guilt & shame (still do at times) for years & years. i'm a voyeur & an exhibitionist, & pretty hardcore in both expressions but living in america (i've never lived elsewhere) there's so much repression outside of the few "fetish" bars or private parties i've attended. even then, it seems to take some folks being falling down drunk or high to "let go". just wanted to let you know that your celebration of self is fully & totally appreciated, & incredibly inspiring.

    i'm an artist with as much love for masturbation (self & mutual) as i have for musical, dance, & visual art expression. i think masturbation itself is such a mental, sensory, & visual experience - an overload of loveliness. i can get lost for hours in tumlbr & xtube & sometimes wonder how i get anything else done at all, but for me, it can be a form of extreme meditation & transcendence.

    i'm also an insatiable cocksucker & piss enthusiast. i crave being in service of men. relish in the glory of cock worship. i say, let us be baptized in the glory of our divine-sleaze, & delivered from repression & shame. blessings & happy holidays to you jason.

    -little is (aka) goldenchilde

    1. Blessings to you too and wow! You really got me when you talked about the transcendence that can occur during masturbation. I have notes on scraps of paper all over my room for a post I want to write on the differences and most of all similarities of religious ecstasy vs. sexual ecstasy. You comment reminds us all to bridge our sexual and spiritual natures. Divine sleaze says it all. This to me is NOT at all sacrilegious, but a recognition that it's all fucking wonderful. I think our sexuality should be celebrated and honored and there are religions that honour this, covertly or overtly too. I'm so glad for your compliments, but may I say how glad I am you took the time to write on here. Happy Holidays right back at ya! Jason

  9. Wow...I hadn't ever thought about that before! So...that same feeling I get when I'm totally in the bate zone, or transfixed by what is happening all over my body is the same dance or dervish that those people who speak in tongues, dance wildly down the aisle of a church, or sit there with their hands in the air while they're singing or praying. Divine sleaze...hard to grasp, but somehow it feels the same way.

    1. Divine sleaze is a concept that is hard to grasp, because as little is put it, we are raised with binaries of good/bad, clean/dirty, etc. I think what we are seeking, or at least I am, is integration.

  10. Times have changed so much. When I was growing up, porn was a luxury you hid under the mattress, and used the same magazine for years sometimes. With free porn and all the insane amount of male sex toys out there now, no wonder we are all desensitized about masturbating, its in our faces all the time now and we can always find time to do it.

  11. NO!.....I'm right here playing with my COCK!!!....and loving your blog!