I just bought “the patch”. I’m a smoker and I’m dreading the idea of giving up cigarettes. So, in fact, right before filling my prescription for the patch, I bought a pack of smokes – one last hurrah. The reason that I dread the idea of quitting smoking is that my smoking is directly tied to sex. I didn’t start smoking until I was about 33 years old. So I didn’t start because of peer pressure in high school. I didn’t start due to stress. I started because I happened upon videos on youtube of men smoking. Hot men, putting dick-substitutes in their mouths and then blowing the smoke at me through the camera lense. For all purposes, this could very well have been a turn off (“ew, gross! Get rid of that cancer stick, your mouth probably tastes like an ashtray!”). But for me, the phallic symbolism hit me right where I live. And then, I found nastier videos of smoking men on xtube. Here’s the strange part: In my twenties, I dated a smoker, and it didn’t once turn me on sexually. I never once considered trying one of his cigarettes. If there are any psychologists out there who can explain my sudden conversion in my thirties, I’d be interested to know what happened to me.
At first, I didn’t know what brand of cigarette to buy, and I didn’t know how to smoke. I learned and for about 3 years, I only smoked while jerking off or having sex, if my partner was so inclined. So I felt I had it under control – I never smoked otherwise, and never even craved it outside of a sexual situation. In 2010, on a sunny day in March, I had an enormously stressful day. I had just moved to a new city, and when registering for a class at a local college took so long that I was nearly late for a coveted job interview, my nerves were raw. I had cigarettes on me and thought what the hell - I deserve something that will calm me. That was all it took to transition from being a part-time smoker to a full-time addict.
This year however, I began a thrilling ride into the world of stand-up comedy. Even if others couldn’t tell, I knew my voice was being affected by the smoke. And my coughing was beginning to annoy and worry people. A trip to the dentist got me alarmed, when the dentist said she noticed white patches in my mouth, certainly caused by smoking. She suggested I see a specialist to confirm whether it was anything serious. I have yet to contact the specialist, as I feel frozen by fear. I’m eager to quit smoking for both a better performing voice and to avoid any physical illness. But, dear reader, I’m totally afraid that my connection between smoking and sex will derail my efforts at quitting. (Excuse me while I go get a cigarette from this last pack I bought today before starting the patch!)
I can’t light up a cigarette without being made aware of my dick – it goes hand in hand (dick in hand?). Allow me to get a little graphic with you. There was a guy I saw for a while, another smoker, and it was with him that I first smoked DURING sex (not just after sex like we always see in the movies). We’d light up, with me on my back, and he’d impale himself on me, and we’d grab our smokes. I’d have one arm behind my head, watching this stud ride me, and we’d both be inhaling and blowing smoke at each other. A little like doing poppers, it was a mutual event that was visually and physiologically a turn on. On my first encounter with this guy, I remember us stumbling to the kitchen to refill our drinks. I entered him from behind while pouring us whiskies, and he lit cigarettes for us both, all while he was being fucked. Who says men can’t multitask?
My experience with cigars is limited, but who among us hasn’t turned to jelly at the sight of a muscle bear in leather chomping on a cigar. It represents power and strength - a dom top who is going to fuck you hard.
They say that to end a bad habit, you need to replace it with another (hopefully good) habit. What will this be for me, during sex in particular? I had a hook up with an out-of-towner over the Christmas holidays, and he said that he only smoked during sex, much like me when I started smoking. Can I return to that? Or am I now so addicted that I can’t have any leeway? There is nothing quite as good as enjoying a cigar or a cigarette while a bud goes down on you for half an hour. Quite honestly, it gives you something to do other than just lying there. It adds a different dimension to the blow job, both for the sucker and the suckee.
Ultimately, if I’m playing Russian roulette with my health, I have to stop smoking. Why is it that the things that give us so much pleasure are often so bad for us? Apples are good for you and I hate apples. Apple pie is not so good for you and I love apple pie. I hear that in spite of the patch, I may still undergo some mood swings linked to withdrawal. I’m already in a bad mood over this – how much worse can it get? Wish me luck...