Saturday, 22 December 2012

Anonymous Sex and Soccer Moms

Religion screwed me up about sex.  Celibate priests and sexless saints.    Feeling compelled to wash my hands obsessively just at the thought of arousal.  Terrified because I found Jesus attractive.  The lessons I learned in those days led me to see the sexual realm as somehow “dark”, while religion was supposedly the bastion of “light” (and therefore necessarily divorced from sexuality).  I recall reading a book that told me that masturbation was an affront to god, and that the only sex deemed holy was that had in the sanctity of marriage.

I got to thinking about the soccer mom who might, on a Saturday night, accidentally stumble across my blog while looking for a blog on knitting.  What would she possibly make of it? Would she cluck her tongue at male sexuality, especially gay male sexuality and its supposed excesses?  And on Sunday morning, as she sings “Alleluia” from her pew, does she silently pray for me, that I will turn from my sinful ways?  Does she pray that I’ll recant?

What would she think if I told her that I’ve seen videos on Xtube of anonymous sexual encounters?  You know the kind – someone posts an ad on craigslist and waits, ass up, for a stranger to walk in and fuck him.  When I clicked on these videos, I expected something dark, something frightening, but found them often...friendly.  It often started with a Hello, and ended with a Thanks (and sometimes See You Next Week).  Does our collective conscience deem such an experience as dark only because it falls way out of the realm of “normal” sexual contact?

Because what about our soccer mom, who after church, comes home where she and her husband have loveless sex.  Loveless because of twenty odd years of emotional wounds inflicted and resentments harboured.   Her husband hired a new, young secretary two weeks ago.  She’s noted that he takes longer in the morning to get ready for work and she is not a stupid woman.  And now, with her husband on top of her, she prays again, just as she did at church, but this time for him to climax and just be done with it.  But it’s all within the sanctity of marriage.  Am I supposed to see this as “light”?

Am I promoting anonymous sex, like the kind I described above?  Absolutely not.  It would be irresponsible of me.  I was robbed once by a trick.  I’ve had friends who have invited strangers over for play and ended up physically assaulted.  What I am suggesting is a paradigm shift, an awakening to the idea that if it’s safe, sane and between consenting adults, we might find sexual beauty in the unlikeliest of places, scenarios and kinks.  Alleluia indeed.


  1. In the late '90's I got the wife and kids to attend our local episcopal church. Because, well, it seemed civilized and "right" for our young family. Needless to say I hadn't darkened the door of any church in some time and was kinda dreading what archaic "rules" we might be subjected to. To my surprise the ministry team included a woman and a gay man in addition to the lead priest. The gay associate priest would occasionally speak to us and openly refer to his partner. I was impressed. The main cathedral nearby sponsors marching in the gay pride parade and clearly has many committed gay couples as regular parishioners. It's certainly progress I think but not without controversy. I talked to a member who had recently left our little church because he didn't like the church's "elevation of the homosexual".

    As to the soccer mom, I guess my wife was a soccer mom in her day but her best friend from high school is a gay man who now lives in LA and is a great family friend. Three of her prom dates in high school are now gay men in committed relationships.

    I probably won't share your blog with my wife but I must share a web site story; in the late '90's (early home computer days) my wife discovered a great cooking website named She wondered logically if there might be a similar one for beef. She typed in I heard shrieks and "make it stop" from the kitchen. I rushed in to find the computer monitor gushing images of all sorts of gay sex! I madly typed control alt delete and we all laughed pretty hard.

    I think there are definitely cracks in the wall and a softening of stubborn attitudes out there. It's just going to take a few more generations to get there.

    1. Hello my friend! You see, this is why I can't write in a vaccum - I need dialogue with you because I'm now thinking that I painted with strokes that were perhaps a bit too broad and reactionary. There are shades of gray in all churches and people. Then again, perhaps there are still, too, people trapped in the old ideologies of our culture, ideologies so ingrained that we don't realize we've been influenced by them our whole lives. Thank you for sharing and for filling things in so that we cover all 50 shades of gray, pardon the pun on the popular book :)

    2. Damn, I spelled vacuum wrong :)

  2. I am happy to say that religion has not screwed me up about sex. As a kid in a Soutern Baptist Church, it couldn't screw me up because it wasn't talked about, and as a teenager it wasn't any different because in the late sixties, churches didn't offer sexual guidance even to youth groups. Their main attitude was that if you were there, you couldn't be having sex. By the time I was out on my own, I was bull-headed enough to scoff at any religious doctrine that said implied that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing, and then I joined the United Methodist Church.

    I'll admit that I'm an employee of the church because I'm the organist and choirmaster, and I do have more of an inside view of church than those in the pews, but if anything, the UMC has made me feel like what I do sexually is totally up to me and, as long as it's not breaking the law or harming someone, it's fine. That's the open hearts, open minds, open doors policy of that church.

    But over the years, I have known the following church people:
    a] a lesbian couple, one of who was married to a man who lived with them. He slept in a trundle bed one while the girls slept in the big bed.
    b] a pastor, who, when he found out his organist had inherited over 250 straight, lesbian, and bi-sexual VCR tapes from his father, mentioned that it was indeed right to remember one's church when inheriting something of value to, perhaps, the preacher.
    c] a pastor who, fifteen years later, was the president of a local gay activist group
    d] a married couple who were - and still are - leaders in the church and community and at the same time have same-sex partners who live within ten miles, and alternate "who stays at whose house" on a regular schedule.
    e] a choir member who I saw in several straight porn movies made in the eighties.
    f] a female church member who had been Miss [insert name of medium-sized southern city here] ten years earlier who decided that if anybody could change me from gay to straight, it would be her. Even though she was married, she showed up at my house one night with a bottle of Jack, and was determined to have sex with me that night. Half a bottle...not even a buzz! She lost.

    And then there's me...a church organist who is also directing a choir in a formal "high church" service who has posted over a dozen solosexual videos on various websites, sitting up there grinning when the words of a hymn this morning said, "...the most high will come on you."

    Nope...the church hasn't screwed me up at sex at all.

    1. I'm raising my glass of Jack Daniel's to you brother! I just got home from a friend's place. He read this blog post today. Like you, he didn't give a rat's ass what anybody or any religion had to say about his sexuality. Wow, I wish I could say the same for me. He also said "Jason, the soccer mom in the essay is you, the part of yourself that still lies in judgement." That made me choke on my beer. I had not recognized that at all, but I think it's true. Rod, you have added so much to this thread of comments and others. Deeply grateful on this Christmas Eve night.....Jason

  3. i have had many "straight" friends who fit this description of "lovelessness" in their relationships. i've also had the gay couples who for all outside appearances are working to fit into the heteronormative paradigm & failing miserably. i know more lying, cheating, creepin folk than a little bit & it's funny if not sad that so many people still cling to this idea of "monogamy" when it's actually not working for them.

    i don't say any of this in judgement because i realize we're all trying to find our way, many of us navigating the oppression & binary systems of our own upbringing. some escaped the wrath of religion & damnation. some escaped binaries of gay/straight, good/bad, virgin/whore, religious/heathen. i did not. i've also done the monogamous thing with a wonderful man & i'm glad that i did, but now i know that won't work for me. if any relationship at all i'm hoping to find one that's explorative, open, & respectful. committed non-monogamy if that makes sense. self-love, & self-time is also really important for me. i never wanna lose myself in a relationship again the way i have in the past. & i want to be in a relationship (with someone else or by myself) that affirms & edifies my sexuality/gender/spiritual expressions in totality.

    this is really early AM rambling so my thoughts may not be totally clear. in any case, i relate to this post & i'm digging the varied perspectives/responses of others as well.

    cheers & merry christmas or whatever ya celebrate!

    1. Beautifully put! You nailed so many things on the head and it sounds like we both suffered through some tough binaries (good word). I am currently reading The Ethical Slut. It's totally about being open to ideas other than monogamy while as you put it so well, "edifying our sexuality/gender/spiritual expressions in totality." THANK YOU! Jason

  4. I love the term "committed non-monogamy"! Luckily, I am in that kind of relationship right now. I know several couples who are in the same kind of relationship as myself. The only thing I can add to this is...these kind of relationships evolve. In my 187 years of life on this earth, I have never heard of the first gay relationship that started out to be non-manogamous. They evolve into non-manogamy, and it's dependent on the maturity level and the self-confidence level of the people involved. If the relationship works really well, but the sex doesn't, why throw out the baby with the bath water?

  5. i love that Rod! indeed, why throw out the baby with the bath water? my last partner & i went through times when he didn't feel good about his body & so therefore didn't feel sexual, or we were both stressed about finances which put emotional weight on us. these real life issues can put such strain on a couple & suck the sexy right out of the bedroom. i think often, one or both people seek outside of home "distraction" as a means of escape, but they may also be seeking some kind of liberation through extra-marital/extra-relational flirting/sex/connection.

    then of course there are those of us who just feel more whole when we're able to have these outside connections with others. i also agree with you Rod that there has to be a maturity level. i know a lot of us fear that if we or a partner is "allowed" to connect outside of the relationship, there's the possibility they may fall for someone else & want to leave us. of course this is alway a possibility anyway... the non-guarantee/non-security of our relationships. i do hope to find someone i can evolve with & grow with in a way that feel less like fighting than an adventure with a dear friend. lots to think about. wow.

  6. ps. Jason,

    i love that you're reading the ethical slut. i tried reading it many many years ago & at the time it pretty much scared the shit outta me. it was like, i wanted to explore the idea of open relationships but i was so scared about not being able to control what that meant in terms of me or a partner "staying committed" to each other while simultaneously exploring. i couldn't figure out how to deal with things like jealousy or all of my insecurities. you've just inspired me to get online & order myself a copy quickly!

  7. Rod and little is, you've absolutely warmed the cockles of my heart, because this is the first instance of other men connecting on my blog outside of myself - a first for the blog! That said, I just read the chapter in the Ethical Slut detailing the life and times of the single slut, which is me. little is, the book will certainly walk you through the land minds of jealousy and insecurity.

  8. I'm a little behind in catching up with all of this due to a week's worth of company that wasn't happy unless they were talking. Maybe now I can get back to concentrating on stuff.

    little said, "i know a lot of us fear that if we or a partner is "allowed" to connect outside of the relationship, there's the possibility they may fall for someone else & want to leave us." When my partner and I gradually realized that we weren't going to have a sexual relationship, we didn't talk about it a lot. Both of us "guessed it was okay" to hook up with other guys. To his credit, he made a set of rules for himself regarding tricking out.

    They were: a] never have another guy over to the house when I'm there; b] never have a hook-up unless I knew where he was going to be, for safety reasons. c] never accept a gift beyond a cup of coffee from the hook-up, and d] as soon as the other guy showed any signs of anything like romantic interest, there would be no further communication.

    That's admirable. I made no such set of rules. At the beginning of our committed nonogamy, I was beginning to realize that I was one of those rare persons called a solosexual. I didn't need to make any rules because I didn't intend to leave my computer to hook up.

    Sounds perfect, doesn't it. In retrospect, it wasn't. He began his search by going out to bars...not to drink, but to dance. He and I didn't ever dance, and he loved it. For months, when he would get ready to leave, I would act like an immature brat with a virtual thumb stuck in my mouth, all the while really looking forward to him getting out of the house so that I could bate for the entire evening. I quit the childishness after a couple of months, and I really do need to apologize to him for acting like I did.

    I also like the attitude of going through life "less like fighting than an adventure." That's what I need to work on next. But damn, it's pretty good the way it is!