Saturday, 9 March 2013

Poz Friendly


I think I’m HIV negative.  I say “think” because we can only go by our last HIV test.  Although I fuck safe, we can only hope for “safer sex” rather than completely “safe sex” unless we are abstinent.  I’ve set my limits of what I’m comfortable doing in bed.  Therefore, I’m also poz friendly.  Admittedly, I wasn’t always this way.  But then I met Faraj.

Faraj and I met on Recon.com, a great site for pigs.  We met up later at a bar and the sexual energy ran high.  We talked, kissed, and smoked on the bar’s patio on a humid summer’s night.  Ready, willing and able, I asked him to come home with me, but he begged off, requesting instead another date.  I’m a tall guy, but this Arabian stud was taller than me, with eyes like deep, dark wells.  Watching the smoke curl from his lips make my dick jump.  I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want to come home with me right away.  From chatting through email, we both knew that we liked the same things in bed.  He was a pig and I was thrilled!  But I didn’t push him and helped him find a cab to take him home.  What comforted me was that he proposed that our next date be at his place.  So I felt I had this cat in the bag.

On the day of the proposed date, he texted me in the afternoon, to make sure I was still coming over.  I texted back an enthusiastic “Yes!”  His next text, though, I was unprepared for: “I just need to tell you that I’m positive.  I hope you’re ok with that.”

Like fireworks on the Fourth of July, all these thoughts popped into my head, tumbling and tripping over each other:  This is why he didn’t come home with you right away on the first date – he was working up to telling you his status/He’s a good man – he’s being responsible and honest/Jason, you’ve probably had sex with countless positive men, but you just didn’t know it.  You always fuck safe.  Why should you feel afraid for knowing?  Do you really want to live in a bubble where you don’t really know your partner’s status?  Don’t punish him for being honest/He had the balls to be upfront and you know how much you love courage in a man...

But my final thought was – I can’t do it.

Instead of texting him, I phoned him.  I tried to be magnanimous, but said that I was feeling  nervous.  He said that he knew all there was to know about safe(r) sex and that he would help me protect myself.  But I begged off and said “Faraj, I totally respect that you told me about your status, and I’ve probably been with positive men a million times before, but I’m not looking for anything serious and the stakes are feeling too high.  I’m really sorry.”  He answered “I don’t need your pity,” and hung up the phone.  I immediately felt like a two-faced, in-denial loser.

Half an hour later, I called him back, half-assuming he wouldn’t pick up and deal with a loser like myself.  But to his credit he did.  I apologized for my reticence and said that I needed to reflect on my fears and biases.  Could I please buy some time?  And because he is a better man than I will ever be, he said yes.

This was a Sunday and first thing on Monday morning, I called the local HIV clinic.  I told a very nice man the situation and shared with him all the kinky things I wanted to do with this stud.  He assured me that the things we wanted to do were as safe as you could get, so go and have fun!  With that, I phoned Faraj back and told him exactly what I’d done.  He seemed pleased that I’d done my homework and we set a date to get together.

Was I no longer nervous?  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have some trepidation.  But I remembered an old adage I’d once been told by a therapist:  FEAR sometimes stand for False Evidence Appearing Real.  This was a fear that I had to let myself feel and then work through.

I’m totally happy to report that the sex that Faraj and I had was fuckin’ amazing.  Some might take issue with this, but I totally sucked him without a condom.  How risky is this?  Some would say it’s very low risk, others would tell you to use a condom.  I fucked him with a condom.  We spit hard on each other (this man could really spit, great big gobs of it on my face and chest.  Not for everyone, but spit lovers will totally get this).  Lying in his bathtub, he pissed all over my jeans and wife-beater while I smoked a piss-wet cigarette and stared up at him hungrily.  Looking down at me, he said I looked like the “perfect slut”.  Did I mention how sweet he was?  And how perceptive!  He ate my cum.  When it was time for him to cum, he flipped himself upside down on the couch and blew all over his chest while I looked on in amazement.

We got together a few more times before it fizzled out naturally. But this fine Arabian had brought me to a new level of understanding.  With him, I questioned my own hypocrisy and fears.  I learned to quiet the prejudices in my head.  I set limits that I was comfortable with regarding the information out there and didn’t let fear be my compass.  Younger than me, he was the Teacher, and I the Student.  Lesson learned.

5 comments:

  1. I can identify with this on several levels.

    My first thought after reading this goes back twenty-five years and lasts until the present. Almost to the day that AIDS hit the media, before there was a "positive" or "negative," or any other information regarding safe sex or unsafe sex, gay sex was simply dangerous. A friend of mine reacted rather rashly to the news. A gay man very happy with having sex with hitchhikers, wives of clients, friends from the church choir, and his long list of "doorbell trade" immediately abstained from it all. He became a self-proclaimed gay solosexual, although that was not his sexual inclination at all. To this day...almost thirty years later, he is still abstinent. He watches videos, he does phone sex, and he masturbates on a regular schedule. He has not had sex with a man this entire time. Yes, he is still healthy; he is still living. But is he?

    As for me...I wasn't overly worried. When AIDS was first talked about, I had a partner. Both he and I had been practicing what would come to be known as "safe sex" for three years. One day, he came home from a doctor's appointment and said he had "some bad news." It turned out that he was HIV positive. He lived three more years; I lived this long and am still healthy; I'm still living. And I AM living. My HIV test came back negative even after the doctor - who was certain that she would find a positive result - tested me three times over three months.

    After my move to the Gay Mecca of the South, Atlanta, I was aware of safe sex because research had made gay sex possible once again. I knowing and willingly had sex with gay men, although my activities were confined to piss play or all types, mutual masturbation, and a lot of body contact, including kissing. The guys who were responsible adults wouldn't let themselves expose themselves unsafely to other people. I met some that didn't give a shit about whether they compromised the health of other men, but they were easy to pick out, and they were easy to turn down.

    I'm HIV-negative to this day. Perhaps it has something to do with living through it with someone; perhaps it is related to watching my friend totally deny himself of any physical contact with those he wanted so desperately to be in contact with. Maybe it was just luck.

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    1. Rod, thank you for this, what I would call a testimony, to living in a time when, like you said, sex = danger in the minds of many. I fear that some men who exposed themselves unsafely sometimes did so out of emotional need. I know a man who so deeply wanted connection with another that he made the decision at some point to let safe sex fall by the wayside and he became HIV+. I took a workshop once on making safe sex erotic and we discussed the reasons why we may abandon safe sex. That need to feel accepted and to deeply connect is one reason. I also have an essay coming down the pipeline about experiences with men who did not seem to care one way or another about safe sex. What I`m trying to do is make peace with what I`m confortable doing sexually with a man, make those choices, adhere to them and then go hog wild within those parameters. What do you think of that Rod?

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  2. While I do feel the need to be accepted, I don't have any urge to "deeply connect" with another man. But I need to explain that: I can feel totally accepted by having a bate or pissbate session with another guy...if the chemistry is there. Usually, it is. I don't feel desire whatsoever to have oral or anal sex with these men, although oral sex is somewhat unavoidable during some piss play.

    But, I have no problem playing with another man who doesn't practice safe sex. It's his choice what he does with his life. When he's with me, I'll go as far as I can without allowing him do anything unsafe while he's here. I don't tbink I'm missing anything!

    I've already made peace with that. It wasn't a hard thing to do.

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    1. That is again a testimony to your self-reliance and self-esteem and your emotional intelligence. Did you always feel at ease with setting limits with another man, or was it a process?

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  3. It was definitely a process. During my first gay sex experiences 35 years ago, I did what I thought was expected. I didn't like doing most of the stuff, but I did it. During the initial AIDS/HIV scare, I was as frightened as anyone was to have sex. Luckily, it was during that period of abstinence that I began to realize that I really was more of a solosexual, so the process of setting limits got a kick in the butt from that realization. There have been periods of time during the past 25 years that I have gone for four or five years without seeking out the company of another guy, including my partner at the time. Now, the process is complete. I don't hook up with other guys very frequently. I have to know that they will be into doing the same kind of things that I enjoy before I make definite plans to meet them. If they enjoy other things during sex, fine, but they do need to know what they can expect to enjoy when they get together with me. Some might call it cocky or arrogant; I call it safe. Yes, it's easy to set the limits, but it takes patience!

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