Sunday, 27 January 2013

Xtube.com


“Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.”

Madonna sings that line in her seminal song and video for Justify My Love.    Not only does she sing the lyric but it shows up in print in the final frame of the video.  Why?

I’ve got to hand it to Madonna.  While she seems like a tough person who would chew me up for breakfast, she took quite a risk with Justify My Love and then with her album Erotica and her coffee-table book Sex.  She was an established star who dared to alienate, well, everybody, with her in-your-face bold sexual fantasies.  From what I’ve heard, she was so raked over the coals for it that she apparently said that it was the single time in her storied career when she thought she should just throw in the towel and get out of the limelight.  Note that it was a woman, not a man, who had the balls to showcase sex and fantasy do this degree in the mainstream.  Go onto Youtube and type in the words “Madonna Erotica uncensored”, and you will see the uncensored video to the song Erotica.  She holds nothing back.  Lesbians lick her tits.  She gets ridden like a horse in leather by a totally hot guy that I think I’ve seen in gay porn.  She pours hot wax onto one leather dude and flogs another (or was that a woman?).  She goes full tilt into BDSM.  And at times in the video, she is funny and irreverent, revealing that erotica can be hot and also humorous and finally, fun.

I recently re-posted a video of myself getting kinky on Xtube.  I had posted it some time ago, and in a panic one day, I took it down.  I had every fear in the book about the video falling into the wrong hands, especially into the hands of those I work with at my office job.  I did not have Madonna’s balls.  Then shortly after, I started this blog, hardly putting any time into marketing it.   I had many “friends” on Xtube, and began mailing each one individually about my blog.  It was laborious, but I did get some readership from it.  But in my heart of hearts, I knew that having  a good video on Xtube would do the marketing for me.  A friend told me that my fears were irrational and OCDish, and whether he is right or not, I reached out for divine providence and re-posted the video.

The video is a five minute take on a five hour edging session.  In those five minutes, you get to see me grooving to Rob Zombie playing in the background.  I piss in the vid, drink it, spray piss from a spray bottle all over my face and pits and hair, drink some saved cum, pour what’s left on my face and say my favorite word over and over – “FUCK!” – while jacking the meat.   After I posted the video, readership of the blog went up.

I had prayed for divine providence because by posting the video and having the blog, I was making a commitment to it all.  I was willing to risk my livelihood, if, heaven forbid, it came to that.  Why?  I wanted to combat hypocrisy around sex for my greater good, to share this with my brothers, so that we might come to learn what Alan Gregg meant when he said:

“The history of medicine proves that in so far as man seeks to know himself and face his whole nature, he has become free from the bewildered fear, despondent shame, or arrant hypocrisy.  As long as sex is dealt with in the current confusion of ignorance and sophistication, denial and indulgence, suppression and stimulation, punishment and exploitation, secrecy and display, it will be associated with a duplicity and indecency that lead neither to intellectual honesty nor human dignity.” (Preface to Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, Kinsey et al., v.)

Kinsey wrote that in 1948, and sadly, it still rings true.  Sex is everywhere – in marketing, in films, in music – and yet we supposedly shouldn’t be too obsessed with it.  Porn is watched by millions, yet we know next to nothing of the truth of the lives of the performers, except what the film companies and the religious right tell us.  Men of the cloth condemn homosexuality while secretly having gay sex while high on meth.  Of course, when found out, they recant and go to rehab, while their stoic wife grins and bears it.  We rarely really talk about sex rationally and openly.  We fear it too much and pay lip service to its celebration.

Alanis Morissette frighteningly sings a line in one of her songs that goes “You will learn to lose everything.”  That line ricocheted in my head as I uploaded my video onto Xtube.  But I also knew that I needed to amputate what wasn’t working for me, and what wasn’t working for me was silence.  I had to trust that providence would provide me with a path.  As scared as I was, I wondered what joys might be in store if I followed my truth.  If I believed in the importance of this kind of frank dialogue, I had to put my money where my mouth was.  

Many of you found this blog by way of the video.  I did not ask anyone’s permission to post it but my own.  I like having that video up there.  Now you, My Friend, know what it took to upload it.

11 comments:

  1. you never fail to stun me, jason. thanks for this. i know what you mean ..... it's a continuous process, to share yourself. thank you.

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  2. this is exactly what i am going through in my brain. i want to be this man that im ashamed of being i want to act as though i accept others for who they are but i cant accept myself for shit . i love sex, dirty, nasty, sweaty man sex...but its almost not worth fulfilling my desires because of my shame and guilt. drugs and alcohol have done nothing but make things worse. how do i begin to realize im good enough? reading this blog is a good start ! THANK You!!!

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    1. DJD! I'm glad you found this blog man! Because as I say in the About Me section, this is indeed a place to talk about all the things to do with man sex that you don't feel you can talk about even with your closest friends.

      No one understands better than I the difficulty in overcoming shame. And we always tend to judge others harshly for the things we fear about ourselves. But remember - F.E.A.R. sometimes stand for False Evidence Appearing Real. We have to decide if our fears are truly justified. To this, I would suggest living by the code of Safe, Sane and Consensual. If the kind of "dirty, nasty, sweaty man sex" you want to have is safe, sane and with a consenting adult, go for it! The truth is that you might meet a man who also lives by this code. You might think you are doing him a favour by holding yourself back and holding him back, when in truth, he wants the same crazy, wonderful, dirty, nasty sex as you, and to deny him that would be to withhold his pleasure. And yours. And who is served when you withhold pleasure for no rational reason? Who is being served by the shackles you place upon yourself? We are taught that if you sweat, wash it off. If you piss, flush it down the sewer and wash your hands. So it can be very hard work to rewire your brain to allow yourself to enjoy what another reader described as glorious filth. Because is it really filthy, or are we simply taught that arbitrarily? It always comes back to "is it safe, sane and consensual". Finally, I know this sounds simplistic, but when the thoughts and fears about sex with men get loud in your head, sometimes it's helpful to simply say "Oh well". Meaning, we will never figure it all out. But I don't want you to harm yourself by withholding your pleasure from yourself. It sounds like you are very thoughtful about right and wrong. That struggle right there indicates your desire to be good, and thus, you are good enough. The question is - are you good to yourself? If you can fathom allowing other men their pleasure, you must find a way to give yourself that same permission that Madonna sings and writes in the Erotica video I wrote about above.....

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  3. I enjoyed reading this but I don't get sex...I don't know what I'm supposed to say, do. I only meet guys online for the most part since I am too shy to approach in person. Still baffled lol.

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  4. Your not alone anonymous! But one thing I would say is to start by getting in touch with what gives you pleasure. If you are fulfilling your own pleasure, you will draw men who are at the same place :)

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  5. What a brilliant and beautiful man you are Jason. I totally get the drive to be free as I've driven it myself and look for it in the men I photograph. You're a gem; a beautiful, hairy, horny and wonderfully intelligent gem. And you sure know how to string those words together nicely. :-)

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    1. Tom! Thank you so much for finding me here. I'm intensely complimented by your words, they made my day.....stay horny, stay free and thanks again for reading me....Jason

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  6. Jason,
    your words are full of courage. The kind needed to live on the "Edge".
    It takes some time, but we can integrate the many parts that make up the whole person.
    Yeah, I'd love to live in the chronic goon state 24/7. The reality there is awesome. So is the outside world, and millions of other things. And sad but true, we need to make an income somehow. Your important and thoughtful words bring all this into perspective...and for each of us, a balance that can be awesome. Whatever the path taken, being free is so crucial to our being.
    -jostache(from Xtube)

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  7. Thank you my xtube friend for your comment, so awesome. Thank you for reading me, and sharing this with me......Jason

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  8. We live in a sexually stultified world. I've done some hot kink, and fell alone and guilty for it.I want to be proud of it. Not in a titillating way, but in respect for all the hot, courageous guys I met, fucked, pissed with, gooned with, and truly expressed myself. I think I know your thinking, Jason. (Somehow I think your real name is David, like mine.) Thanks.

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  9. Thank you Jason for inspired, thoughtful words. What a beautiful journey into uninhibited self expression! Sharing it helps others of us to come to terms with our own sexploration. I had the opportunity a few years back to do bareback amateur porn (just a couple vids) and thoroughly enjoyed doing them. Now periodically I see them pop up on red tube & other sites. At first I found myself bewildered at the exposure - particularly when chatting with a native Italian living in Spain and found he downloaded my frist video off a Russian porn site. Oh, my! Once it's out there it IS out there. But, I had fun, enjoyed it and have no regrets. I'd do it all again and more given the chance. Cheers sexy man for exposing yourself in ways we can very much enjoy!! Thank you. Mark In Maine, USA (m4mquest@yahoo.com)
    ps: how do I find your video link on xtube? I'm hard & horny for a view ;-P

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