The strangest thing happened to me this week – I rather lost
my sex drive. The idea of having a cock
in my mouth is about as exciting to me as having one in my ear. Now, I still masturbated. It’s what I do. But the frequency was less, the length of
time it took was less, the pleasure was less.
Last night, in an attempt to get back into my usual sexual gear, I drank
a ton of beer, but did not get drunk. I
watched a ton of porn, but didn’t get excited.
Dear reader, how lame is it that I have to tell you that I took a Viagra
– just to masturbate alone. I got off,
but with a thud rather than a grand slam.
But desire doesn’t disappear entirely. It’s a matter of transference, and I
transferred my desire to something equally as addictive as sex – I turned to
food. I have just eaten a Big Mac,
fries, and a junior McChicken from McDonald’s. But a diet coke! McDonald’s is my guilty pleasure and it was
fucking delicious. I orgasmed with every
bite. I brought it home so I could enjoy
it like a pig in private (similar to my piggy conduct while masturbating). I avoid McDonald’s at all costs, but tonight,
I gave in. It was the substitute for masturbating.
Where did my usually dependable sex drive go? True, there are always worries swirling in my
head – money trouble, conflict at the office, and so on – but that usually
doesn’t get in the way. Rather,
masturbation or sex is the reward for making it through the day. But this week, when I sat at my computer for
my nightly, ritualistic jerk-off scene, I was listless. And the porn seemed inordinately boring. A cock goes in and out of a hole – big
whoop. Oh look, that dude in Minnesota
can suck himself off – how nice for him.
Oh look, yet another gang bang. Are
there any cookies left?
However, I’ve gotten so much more accomplished this week,
what with the extra time on my hands since my hands weren’t on my cock. Even the fact that I am now writing rather
than jerking off is a fine example of time well spent. But if this lack of libido goes on for too
long, this series of essays will come to an untimely end. Will my libido come back?
Well, it’s gone and come back many times before. There are times for even the horniest of us
when we don’t want to be sexual, but to curl up in ugly pajamas in bed with a
good book. Or when illness, be it mental
or physical, is knocking at the door, the libido takes a holiday. And it can be freeing, not to be ruled by my
dick’s every whim. I can think about
other things – world peace, getting my taxes prepared, trying a new recipe,
searching for an old classmate on Facebook. However, world peace is just too much for my
pea-sized brain to comprehend, doing my taxes is as fun as having dental work,
I hate cooking, and I could care less what my old classmates are up to. Those alternatives just brought my sex drive
back a nudge.
I think it might be a matter of my masturbatory routine
getting a little....routine. So I`ll
shake it up a bit. Maybe I’ll try
dressing up, something I haven’t done in a while. By this, I mean trying on my leather and my
sexy underwear and parading myself in front of the mirror, doing a strip tease
to Slayer playing on the computer. But
even that can turn on its self and feel ridiculous when your libido is
low. It becomes comical instead of
hot. So instead of forcing it, maybe
I’ll just ride it out, put the ugly pajamas on and snuggle up with a good book
– and a bowl of ice cream.
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